Married folks, don't look at the singles like the undergrads of the church, just hoping that they will "graduate" to marriage. Don't treat them as if there's something "incomplete" about them. If they continually get that impression at church, how will they ever learn that we are complete in Christ? How will they ever not appear "desperate" to would-be suitors who are not "in" to the desperate type?
Of course we, as married people, should be pro-marriage! Our marriages should be so awesome that singles should desire such a life, if the Lord wills it for them. But often our problem is that we think we have to convince singles that they should get married, as if they are anti-marriage. In our sincere desire for their long-term well-being, we say insensitive things like ...
- "So why don't you get married?" ("Like I could just do that? Like ... getting a tattoo or something?")
- "You're gonna make somebody a great little wifey" ("Oh thanks, that's encouraging ... coming from a 78 year old!")
- "Isn't there someone special in your life?" ("Well yes, actually, but just-my-luck, last night she got engaged to somebody else.")
- "Why are you still single?" ("Uh, I dunno, whattayathink? Because I'm a loser? Oh, please, please, rub more salt into my open, festering wound! I like it! More pain, please--that's why I came to church this morning!")
- "Maybe you should lower your ideals and just say yes to one of these people!" (Oh? So YOU want to be complicit in their marrying an idiot?)
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14 responses:
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I can especially empathize with the reaction to "why are you still single" as I was asked twice just yesterday--"why won't you be working at camp? Getting married?" No. Is the only reason for not working there a pending marriage? Why is it the automatic expectation of a recent graduate? Is there something wrong with me because I'm not getting married? Thank you for your resounding "no." I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking it's okay to be single.
Hi, I'm a friend of Alyssa's and just read this post.
Thank you!
I just returned from a year on the mission field in Papua New Guinea. The most common question I got upon arriving home - "So did you meet anyone special over there?" or some derivative of that question. Not "How did your view of God/tribal people/the Lord's will for your life change" but "Are you still single".
The interesting thing is that my singleness was actually a huge part of my ministry over there. I was able to encourage many young women with the fact that you don't have to be married to serve overseas... and that it can be an advantage! I was able to pour my whole life into the students & the tribal people, where as the marrieds had to spend most of their energy on their families. Neither is right or wrong, it's just where God has you. It's important for everyone to realize that God can & will use you in a special way when you are content with your singleness.
~Nicky
Bro. Alden Guy once said that too often Singles are convinced that they are "incomplete" or "imperfect" without a mate. They wander around like 1/2 of an Oreo Sandwich, looking for their other "cookie". He showed us that we were complete in Christ, with or without a spouse, and that our constant focus on finding a mate was detrimental to our service to God. He encouraged us to believe that we were not "half cookies". To this day, whenever someone asks me where my spouse/mate/boyfriend/etc. is, I mentally chant, "I am not a half a cookie!" before I respond!
Dave, you're right, though. As a Single we have so many ministry opportunities that aren't available to the married crowd. Going overseas on a missions trip is more convenient, for one thing, but also, as Nancy said, it allows us to focus more on the work to be done instead of our relationship/family connections.
Becki Duerksen
Amen to that, Alden Guy! I sure miss that man of wisdom! And a GREAT analogy for all us kooks, I mean cookies!
so...I guess my next question would be..."why is singleness such a difficult thing for young singles to accept?" Its easy to be encouraged by posts like these. And its exciting to think about the opportunity's to serve for Christ as a single. It seems the "benefits" are plentiful! Actually . . . it seems there are far more benefits to being single than there are to being married! So why all the struggle accepting it?? Is it merely a wrong view of Christ? Is it merely an immature faith? Is everyone who's struggling with this just "being unsatisfied with Christ alone as their fulfillment"?? What is the common foundational concept behind all this "unsatisfiedness"?? Even with the right perspective, why is it still so difficult to accept way deep down. Lets be honest. 99 percent of us (even with the right attitude and perspective) would choose marriage in a second if we just could! Why would Christ design in that way for us? O.k. I know thats like twenty seven questions but read them all and you'll see its basically one question asked twenty seven different ways to help you best understand what it is I'm asking. :)
Not that we can blame our own insecurity or discontentment on others, but perhaps the distorted view of singlehood being something to be gotten out of as quickly as possible that is so prevelant in the church today is part of it. (Wow, that was a really long sentence!) Our whole value system is liable to become skewed when we hear over and over how something must be wrong if someone is single and not actively attempting to "remedy" the fact. After hearing it so many times, we start to believe it. Unfortunate, but true at least in my own life. In response to that then, we must go on the offence at guarding our contentment, rejecting (even Christian) society's prescription of "marraige = happiness and fulfillment."
yeah but . . . i still want to be married! . . . hahah jk good thoughts Alyssa! Thanks! :)
I think Alyssa's right. We (singles) are somehow seen as "broken" until we are mated/married and then we are considered "whole". I know it's a generalization, but it's been perpetuated by some of the very people who, I believe, should be helping us find ways to serve singly and encouraging us to find our whole-ness in Christ. Instead they are forever "praying for a husband/wife for you", or asking you why you haven't considered dating this girl/guy within the church.
Sometimes, I know more about that guy than you do and, believe me, he's NOT a good candidate. But if I told you why, I'd be gossiping, so what do I say?
I was just talking about this the other day with my life group!
David-
I think you may have hit a raw nerve on this one!
said. . . tell them you HAVE considered it! and decided "no". then watch their facial expression! lol
Great post, Though I've been married almost 30 years, I have just become aware in the last few how well-meaning comments or questions can make singles feel and how they can come across.
Would you mind if I reprinted this in a monthly newsletter I compile for our church's ladies' group?
Barbara, no problem!
I'm sure no one would mind! We're on a public blog here anyways. :)
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